BILLI (billinaction) wrote,
BILLI
billinaction

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because you will see this

ok, so here is the entry dedicated to the truth. By no fault of our friend i was reading an email that maybe wasnt meant for my eyes. but here: I do know that i made you happy for a long time as you made me. and we did both grow up and grow apart apparently, though we didnt want to admit it while we were together. I think i have provided a rather accurate account of everything that has happened between us. Everyone knows that you apologized to me. I have not withheld any information about the attempts you have made to make me feel better. But what is also true is that you never apologized for what you did, you apoligized because i was hurt my it. You are sorry that i was hurt. you have no regrets remember? everything you do has a reason and a consequence and i have accepted that. From what i read between the lines of that email is that you think i should have just accepted everything that happened like it was okay. Well, it wasnt. how you treated me the last week we were together was wrong, how you cuddled with her in my house is not okay, how you flaunted her in front of me, NOT OKAY! but.. also, i have dealt with it. No break up is easy and no break up is happy. I should have known that things were over long before we conceded. You spent too much time with other people, you tried to get me to date other people. all of it was there, but still i tried to hold it together. maybe it was my co-dependence. I wont make that mistake again. you kept throwing tristia in my face, and that hurt. but maybe you knew somehow that some day she and i would be together. I dont know. But i am glad that i have the chance to be with her now. she makes me very happy, and i think you knew that would happen. I am sorry that shit ended like it did, but i am no longer sorry that it ended. I broke the duck thing the other day on accident and cried. all i was thinking was how mad you were going to be about it. ha! as if you even would know it was broke. you see i think about you in a tender way now, though i am still angry sometimes. it was a good part of my life, and i learned a lot about me and relationships. I want you to be happy with whomever you choose to be with and know that i am just as happy. We have grown differently. we arent who we fell in love with and its ok. anyway..
so this weekend was fun as hell. I got super drunk on saturday and it was great. i had really good conversations with everyone from what i can remember. sorry if i offended any of you. sorry that i threw up! lol.. well, we were up til like 5 am talking and stuff. and it was good. i cried, she cried.. it was good. she told me some things that made me happy and i told her some things that i maybe shouldnt have. sunday we went to the expo with her brother, prec, dee, jordyn, adam, carla, and jaime. it was a lot of fun even tho i was HUNG OVER! and then to angelos. here is where shit gets interesting. weird how sometimes u think shit is passed and everyone is over it.. ? well, apparently some things are never forgotten. and i was telling adam that i saw J last week. and OF COURSE he asks did i blow him!! it hurt my feelings and i didnt know what to say. Its like in Chasing Amy when the guy is mad at the chic for having past experiences. how fair is that? i dont like to be reminded of that, it was a long time ago and i thought we were way past it. I dont know what i am supposed to come back with on that. so i just sat there. I dont get to see tristia for like 4 days. our work schedules are completely off. thats ok though. more me time, and she needs family time. i like to see her though. Caid came by and laid with me this morning. (i didnt wanna get out of bed, im so sore and achy)We talked about God and life and relationships and happiness. and breaking up. and everything wonderful. We are having breakfast tomorrow. happy. i like friends. i'm lucky to have everyone that i have. peace out
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