BILLI (billinaction) wrote,
BILLI
billinaction

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This is how it feels to be Happy

I am happy. and i think i really realized it last night. I was laying there talking about ex's and things with Tristia and I was like 'yea, this is what i want'. I hadn't really thought about it before, what i wanted. And I really like where I am in my life right now. I love work tho it has crappy days. I love my friends, I love my girlfriend. Everything is where i want it to be. Yes, I do some bad shit, and yes, I get myself into trouble. Over all I am happy, content, blissful. The people who have stuck by me the past 2 months have made a world of difference in my life. I am so glad that I know people like all of you. I can't believe i have been as lucky as I am. I have found what I was looking for. Peace.
I am reading The Femme Mystique and I really like it. Some of the things these femme's wrote remind me of things i used to think. what makes a good lesbian, everyone had to be butch.. why I cut my hair off. Crazy things. other girly-girls have felt on the outside too, and thats sad. Sometimes i still dont think that i fit in anywhere in the community. I dont look gay enough i guess. I swear i act queer enough though.
Roxanne and I have been emailing back and forth the past few days. I have told her how I feel about everything pretty much and that one day maybe we can be friends. I still feel bitter, I still feel hurt. Its sort of hard sometimes being in a new relationship when I havent gotten over her. BUT I dont let that affect us too much I dont think. She told me that she is sorry that what we had didnt last and that she is sorry she handled things the way she did. You know I am sorry too but I am past that. I am glad that i can talk to her without being too emotional. She is doing some really good things right now, trying to start a non-profit for LGBTQ youth. and i am proud that she has herself together finally. I am not, however,ready to have her as an active part of my life. I told her so, too. i can't see her yet. It's too much. Every time i have saw her i panic, I cant breathe. It's still just too much. and thats ok.
Eh, I just wanted to say I feel wonderful today. I am falling in love and it feels great!

11:42 p.m Yea, just chillin here. The girls broke up so i dont know what to do, or say. It sucks a lot and i'm just here for support and whatever i guess. I dont know how to help people in these situations, i guess just be there. grr.. talked to lauren for a while on the phone tonight. It was good times. we talked about exactly what did happen in my life the past few months. good times.
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