BILLI (billinaction) wrote,
BILLI
billinaction

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I have been bad

I suck at life right now. I am having a truly sad moment when you realize exactly what your life has come down to and exactly how stupid you are as a person sometimes. Am i the only one that has a hard time seeing themselves thru others eyes? I made my girl cry tonight and it hurt me, a lot. I didnt realize just how fucked up i am. And how the things that i do hurt other people. And i should know all of this because i have been here before, i have experienced these things before and still i am going back for more.. why?! so, i am going to stop these things that hurt the ones who care about me. SORRY isnt enough and i know that. I know i am disappointing you and i hate that. the worst thing i can do is disappoint the people who care most about me. trust that i am on my way to recovery and that i wont be a fuck up anymore. i dont want to lose anyone because of this. I LOVE YOU!
on another note: got an email from roxanne saying that she wont read my journal anymore, she understands that it makes me feel uncomfortable. i respect that. and she hopes that i am happy and that one day things wont be so awkward with us. I hope so too, but we will have to see what happens. I dont know how ready i am to have her as a part of me. and i worry that it would make our girlfriends uncomfortable if we were actively involved.. considering their past.interesting how things work out from time to time.
eh, work was dumb, chris was there with me so it was blah.. we had to put the whole order up. groceries and cigs.. and do all usual cleanups and duties. UGH! it was a long night.
ok, i have this song by LifeHouse in my head. I heard it on the way home. and it really made me smile.
SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN
I can't be losing sleep
over this, no I can't
and now I cannot stop pacing
give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
if my mind would just stop racing

cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening

this is over my head
but underneath my feet
cause by tomorrow morning
I'll have this thing beat
and everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

cause I'm waiting for tonight
and then waiting for tomorrow
and I'm somewhere in between
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream

would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
don't be surprised if I collapse
down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening, yeah

cause I'm waiting for tonight
and then waiting for tomorrow
and I'm somewhere in between
what is real and just a dream
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