BILLI (billinaction) wrote,

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more time

I need more time to think. I have been in this weird state of mind lately, like i am waiting for something to happen, anything. I dont feel like answering the phone or spending much effort on people. I also went and bought the 40 days and 40 nights book..and i think it's really going to help me with self-awareness and discovery. I spend a lot of time thinking about everyone else, not myself. who am i? you know.. for so long i was just 'girlfriend' and now, though i am a girlfriend i am not just 'so and so's girl'. Last night i dreamed that my bbutch ladies were all FTM. weird.. and the interesting thing is that someone i am aquainted with told me last night that s/he is FTM so that is interesting. I guess i never thought of hir that way. So yea, another trannyboi to add to my crew. And i have these weird dreams about tristia changing, or being someone else, that she is different and i dont know what the hell that means. and i'm tired of someone always saying that she spends too much time with me. get over it, you spend NO time with tris or with me, so why are you bitching? you have friends that no one gets along with and you are dating someone.. so none of us want to be around your 'other' set of friends and i dont even know your significant other. you are the one not hanging out its not tristia ignoring you. grr. so yea, and i gave roxy her shit back, no more memories. maybe that makes it easier. been hanging with CJ and Carrie alot which makes both me and tristia happier than i can tell. i love them deeply. My battery died the other day and CJ rescued us.. also Tristia's parents came out (oh my) and tried to help, but they didn't do anything that CJ didnt know. so yea, that SUCKED. We did some panels which were ok, sort of annoying. I hate the 'were there experiences in your life that made you gay'!! what sort of question is that? i guess that we are open to all questions, but what sort of experience would make me gay? abuse? bad sex with bio boys? kissing girls at a young age? absent father? what the fuck?! i hate that shit. anywho. yea then we went to CJ's and played games with prec, dee, kyle and them guys. it was fun times. eh. well life is what it is. trying to adjust to the new housing arrangements. its totally upside down
my brother is here, and that is good i guess. just saw him like 2 times since he been here. he spends a lot of time with Eric and thats aight. I'm out.. gotta finish doing shit for work.
"Long Year"
I came in off a dead end street
Walked in slow and took a back row seat
I knew I had nothing new to say
So many people looked so burned out
I couldn't help feeling bad about just having to be there anyway

A friend of a friend from work came in
I never had known what to make of him
He'd always seemed to be so insincere to me
You know I've always been afraid of a 12 step crowd
They laugh too much and talk too loud
Like they all know where everyone should be

It's been a long long long year
It's been a long long long year
How did I get here?

They were talking in a circle, I was by myself
Everyone was telling everyone how they felt
It felt like so long since I'd been young
As the circle kept moving its way to the back
I was wondering what I was gonna say in fact
I still didn't know as it rolled off my tongue

It's been a long long long year
It's been a long long long year
How did I get here?

I didn't say a word all the way to the car
But a little later on that night at the bar
I was telling everybody how strange my day had been
They said brother all you need is another shot
So I threw one down and said thanks a lot
As I thought to myself well here we go again

It's been a long long long year
It's been a long long long year
How did I get here?

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