May 17th, 2004

tea time

because you will see this

ok, so here is the entry dedicated to the truth. By no fault of our friend i was reading an email that maybe wasnt meant for my eyes. but here: I do know that i made you happy for a long time as you made me. and we did both grow up and grow apart apparently, though we didnt want to admit it while we were together. I think i have provided a rather accurate account of everything that has happened between us. Everyone knows that you apologized to me. I have not withheld any information about the attempts you have made to make me feel better. But what is also true is that you never apologized for what you did, you apoligized because i was hurt my it. You are sorry that i was hurt. you have no regrets remember? everything you do has a reason and a consequence and i have accepted that. From what i read between the lines of that email is that you think i should have just accepted everything that happened like it was okay. Well, it wasnt. how you treated me the last week we were together was wrong, how you cuddled with her in my house is not okay, how you flaunted her in front of me, NOT OKAY! but.. also, i have dealt with it. No break up is easy and no break up is happy. I should have known that things were over long before we conceded. You spent too much time with other people, you tried to get me to date other people. all of it was there, but still i tried to hold it together. maybe it was my co-dependence. I wont make that mistake again. you kept throwing tristia in my face, and that hurt. but maybe you knew somehow that some day she and i would be together. I dont know. But i am glad that i have the chance to be with her now. she makes me very happy, and i think you knew that would happen. I am sorry that shit ended like it did, but i am no longer sorry that it ended. I broke the duck thing the other day on accident and cried. all i was thinking was how mad you were going to be about it. ha! as if you even would know it was broke. you see i think about you in a tender way now, though i am still angry sometimes. it was a good part of my life, and i learned a lot about me and relationships. I want you to be happy with whomever you choose to be with and know that i am just as happy. We have grown differently. we arent who we fell in love with and its ok. anyway..
so this weekend was fun as hell. I got super drunk on saturday and it was great. i had really good conversations with everyone from what i can remember. sorry if i offended any of you. sorry that i threw up! lol.. well, we were up til like 5 am talking and stuff. and it was good. i cried, she cried.. it was good. she told me some things that made me happy and i told her some things that i maybe shouldnt have. sunday we went to the expo with her brother, prec, dee, jordyn, adam, carla, and jaime. it was a lot of fun even tho i was HUNG OVER! and then to angelos. here is where shit gets interesting. weird how sometimes u think shit is passed and everyone is over it.. ? well, apparently some things are never forgotten. and i was telling adam that i saw J last week. and OF COURSE he asks did i blow him!! it hurt my feelings and i didnt know what to say. Its like in Chasing Amy when the guy is mad at the chic for having past experiences. how fair is that? i dont like to be reminded of that, it was a long time ago and i thought we were way past it. I dont know what i am supposed to come back with on that. so i just sat there. I dont get to see tristia for like 4 days. our work schedules are completely off. thats ok though. more me time, and she needs family time. i like to see her though. Caid came by and laid with me this morning. (i didnt wanna get out of bed, im so sore and achy)We talked about God and life and relationships and happiness. and breaking up. and everything wonderful. We are having breakfast tomorrow. happy. i like friends. i'm lucky to have everyone that i have. peace out
  • Current Music
    Both Hands: Ani DiFranco
tea time

I have been bad

I suck at life right now. I am having a truly sad moment when you realize exactly what your life has come down to and exactly how stupid you are as a person sometimes. Am i the only one that has a hard time seeing themselves thru others eyes? I made my girl cry tonight and it hurt me, a lot. I didnt realize just how fucked up i am. And how the things that i do hurt other people. And i should know all of this because i have been here before, i have experienced these things before and still i am going back for more.. why?! so, i am going to stop these things that hurt the ones who care about me. SORRY isnt enough and i know that. I know i am disappointing you and i hate that. the worst thing i can do is disappoint the people who care most about me. trust that i am on my way to recovery and that i wont be a fuck up anymore. i dont want to lose anyone because of this. I LOVE YOU!
on another note: got an email from roxanne saying that she wont read my journal anymore, she understands that it makes me feel uncomfortable. i respect that. and she hopes that i am happy and that one day things wont be so awkward with us. I hope so too, but we will have to see what happens. I dont know how ready i am to have her as a part of me. and i worry that it would make our girlfriends uncomfortable if we were actively involved.. considering their past.interesting how things work out from time to time.
eh, work was dumb, chris was there with me so it was blah.. we had to put the whole order up. groceries and cigs.. and do all usual cleanups and duties. UGH! it was a long night.
ok, i have this song by LifeHouse in my head. I heard it on the way home. and it really made me smile.
SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN
I can't be losing sleep
over this, no I can't
and now I cannot stop pacing
give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
if my mind would just stop racing

cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening

this is over my head
but underneath my feet
cause by tomorrow morning
I'll have this thing beat
and everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

cause I'm waiting for tonight
and then waiting for tomorrow
and I'm somewhere in between
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream

would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
don't be surprised if I collapse
down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening, yeah

cause I'm waiting for tonight
and then waiting for tomorrow
and I'm somewhere in between
what is real and just a dream
  • Current Music
    LifeHouse: Somewhere in Between