April 22nd, 2005

tea time

nap time

maybe i should be napping. I didnt get much sleep yesterday and I feel wasted today but it was a good day.
Today is T and my one year anniversary. YAY FOR US! she worked, i had class. I cleaned the house and made a nice dinner. We rented movies and watched one of them (The I Inside). TOTALLY AWESOME! all should see.
I wanted to state for the record that I am not into power shit. I don't feel a need to control all the people around me. I like to control events and reduce risks in every circumstance but I do not try to manipulate people. It has come to my attention that I am seen as somewhat of a control freak about the people close to me. i dont really agree with this. The closest people to me have individual lives and make individual decisions and that is FINE by me. I do however care about the decisions that my comrades make and I am concerned for them. i do not feel out of control and lost when someone has a hobby or a relationship with someone that is not me. I love when people make new friends or who become partnered with someone who makes them happy.
Another issue of late.. I keep dreaming that people are hurting me. The last few nights I have been plagued with dreams that people that I care about are trying to hurt me. Last night Carrie tried to make me do bad things because it made her happy. It was really confusing and I would explain but I forget the exact acts she was making me perform. I just recall it being really degrading and painful. I dreamed about this girl that I no longer am aquainted with and she was stabbing me in my stomache repeatedly. Here is me thinking that the wordl hates me. AHH! I dunno
I have had a great disappointment in the last 24 hours and I am not sure what I am going to do about it. For now, just not thinking about it. When I think about not being able to achieve something that I yearn for it depresses me. I dont have time for depression. Only good times! So, I am gonna try not to do anything too crazy.
CJ's advice for today: stay in bed and try to make babies.. lots of babymaking. LOL. I wish that T and I could produce babies. FUCK
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