BILLI (billinaction) wrote,
BILLI
billinaction

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This Dorothy isn't in MN anymore..

things are perfect. they aren't going to be. I am going to lose my mind the moment I stop and rest. I can't sleep. I barely eat. I just keep going. I get in the car and go somewhere, anywhere. to be with people. I can't stand being alone. that has been something i've struggled with my whole life. Time alone isn't something I want at all. I have only been at my aunt's for one night in the past 5 that i have been here. i just get up and go. it doesn't matter where or who is there. as long as it is people. as long as i stay awake. dont let the sleep in. then the nightmares come. I dreamed last night that tristia was everywhere. i couldn't get rid of her, I couldn't escape. I jumped into a pool and held my breathe until I passed out (symbolic of panic attacks maybe). She wasn't stalking me or anything like that. She was just there - everywhere. That is how I feel right now though. My every thought includes her and half of the things i talk about involve her in some way. I can always relate everything to 'this one time' or 'tris does that' or 'she would say..'. UGH. I want this to stop. I wish forgetting was easy. I also wish I could let myself rest. Let myself just feel it through completely but I can't. I am afraid that the moment I stop and sit and try to process alone I will go NUMB again. Like last friday. I will suddenly be unfeeling, motionless, and out of it. I don't want to be catatonic. I want to be me. I dont know who that is right now and I can't think of where to begin to find me. I am so accustomed to being an 'us' that I dont remember me. So, I will keep on going. avoiding the alone time. avoiding the thoughts that i know i should accept. i just keep thinking about the good things that we had.. not the painful things in the end. once i start thinking about her not being in my life i freak out. she is my safety zone and now i'm like a little bird thrust out into the world. i know i need to fly but i dont know how. how did i get here? how did i become so dependent on that relationship? why can't i live without that fear?
the tornado has sucked me up and just wont put me down. i am afraid of the landing..
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