BILLI (billinaction) wrote,

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Today I feel

Today I feel emotionally unwell. Totally on overdrive. We finished the case today. We ended up with a guilty verdict on both counts- 2nd degree murder and firearms possession. It was really hard for me. I was the last one holding out of the 'reasonable doubt'. You would just have to see the evidence, testimony, all the false statements, and fuckups by the police. it was hard, really hard. but i eventually came to an understanding that he was guilty and that i couldnt make him be innocent just because of all the mess ups. as one guy put it, you have most the pieces to the puzzle with a few missing. you can still see the picture even with the ones gone. So, I was like, I see. and so we said guilty then we had to debate if it was gonna be 1st or 2nd degree which sucked. 3 of us said 2nd b/c we didnt think it was premeditated. he just took the chance when he saw it, he didnt really think about it a lot. and one of the criteria for 1st degree is that he had to have had enough time to weigh pro's and con's and decide to procede with the action. and i dont think he did. I mean, if he had a grudge on this man for 5 years, why didnt he kill him WAY before now? if it was so thought out, he'd have done it long ago.. and he would have had to know the man would be in that place at that time. FALSE! the lead detective was a lying, cocky bitch and none of us believed anything she said. Everything was just weird. and so me and this guy refused to go with 1st degree and eventually the other 10 said that they could agree to the lesser charge. And i was like THANK GODDESS! it sucked. Our foreman, the guy who leads us and talks for the whole jury, was so mad at me. He kept saying 'but its obvious, cant you see'. and i started crying. and i was like 'you are pressuring me, and i cant say i think that if i dont because i dont want to do the wrong thing'. All i can think about is that now i have put this guy in prison, he is only a year older than me. :( he could be there for life.. with option of parole. Its horrible. I dont know if i did the right thing or not. They made us all say that we agreed with what we had done. And i was sort of tempted to be like NO NO NO I dont think so. But I had agreed to it, and i couldnt very well change my mind now b/c i was in front of the man, ya know. so blah.
I keep thinkin about Alabama. and now there is no home there and that makes me sad. whenever i think about my house there it makes me want to go 'home'. i loved it there, its so pretty and peaceful. you'd just have to go there to understand it, truly.
anyway, court is over, and i have to go back to work again. i work 3rd friday and saturday so that's fuckin sad. But i have sunday/monday off and thats happy times! woohoo! gonna go scan pics for my tristia.

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