BILLI (billinaction) wrote,

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i have never

stolen from ivedonemytime

(_) I never have been drunk
(_) I never have smoked pot
(_) I never have kissed a member of the opposite sex
(_) I never have kissed a member of the same sex
(X) I never crashed a friend's car
(X) I never been to Japan
(x) I never rode in a taxi
(X) I never had anal sex
(_) I never have been in love
(_) I never had sex
(X) I never have had sex in public
(_) I never have been dumped
(_) I never shoplifted
(x) I never have been fired
(_) I never been in a fist fight
(x) I never had a threesome
(_) I never snuck out of my parent's house
(X) I never been tied up (sexually)
(X) I never been caught masturbating
(_) I never pissed on myself
(_) I never had sex with a member of the same sex
(_) I never had sex with a member of the opposite sex
(x) I never been arrested
(_) I never made out with a stranger
(X) I never stole something from my job
(X) I never celebrated New Year's in Times Square (or national equivalent)
(x) I never went on a blind date
(_) I never lied to a friend
(x) I never had a crush on a teacher
(X) I never celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans
(X) I never been to Europe
(_) I never skipped school
(x) I never slept with a co-worker
(_) I never have been fisted and/or have never fisted anyone
(X) I never have thrown up in a bar
(X) I never have visited a site held holy by a major religion
(_) I never cheated on a final exam.
(_) I never had a relationship with someone of the same-sex
(X) I never have been/gotten someone pregnant

* ok, i decided to edit this one yet again*
I was just searching through people and i found CJ heheh.. and it was nice. I read some of his entries and it really got me to thinking about myself and other people i interact with. maybe i am not who i thought i was.. maybe i am not as great of a friend as people let me think i am. (how conceited did that sound)I want to be there and i want to understand. I have done a lot to try and be a part of people's lives and understand what is going on with them. especially when it comes to trans issues. It seems like everyone un-trans i know is always asking me things b/c one time one person said i was the genius of issues.. im really not. i just read too much and ask too many questions. living with caid and hanging out with cj and carrie has really brought a new understanding to me. emily was probably the first person i knew that was gender confused, in small ways, but i didnt think seriously about things that she said. then when she was over the other night and was so impressed/interested/excited about caid.. i was like oh my! i never realized that maybe she was more than just 'butch'. not that there is anything wrong with any of this.. she was just so inquisitive on who was i living with and when i told her caid and she was like who is the person in the pics.. and i was like that was caid before.. and it was just interesting i guess.. so yea, now it makes more sense to me. then i have this other friend that is in another gender world completely and s/he has no idea. is it weird to sense things before other people do? anyway.. back to my point.. i dont want to appear any less of a friend or person b/c i dont understand these things completely. I dont know everything b/c i havent went through things that cj has and that caid will. i dont relate in a way, i guess, but i wish that i could. those 2 people mean a lot to me. they are there, and they listen to me even if i just need to cry and say how stupid i feel for crying. I hope that i am not insensitive to them.. but i know i make mistakes, particularly with caid. sometimes i say she.. i dont mean to. and i still have to write the checks to katy.. and i know she hates that she has to be reminded. I just wish that i could instantly be perfect i guess when it comes to his changing and all of that. i get lost sometimes and feel like i lost someone. i told him this one night when we were laying in bed, that since this transition started i have lost him. as bad as it sounds, what i said was 'katy was my best friend and now i dont even have her. now there is this whole new person that isnt my friend'. It was how i was feeling with roxanne and caid always together.. which they didnt start hangin til caid came out. and i didnt know how to handle all of this.. when the person i went to all the time was now 'someone else' and my significant other was with him all the time. jealousy on my part.. im always jealous. damn me for that! but caid reassured me that this isnt a person coming someone else, its just minor and that he is still my friend even though he barely sees me. Its weird living with someone that you arent really living with.. i miss having him around to talk to about issues and daily stressors. i wish life could figure itself out.. so that is my speil now that i had my intelligent thoughts for the day. psychology class is in like 20 minutes so i gotta go. peace.


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