BILLI (billinaction) wrote,
BILLI
billinaction

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shoot me

Fuck you and you and you and YOU!
so you want to be my best friend, right? one way to go about that is to NOT betray my confidence. Do not go and tell people the things that I tell you in EXAGGERATION! Do not make me sound like a whore, like an evil person.. and then call to see if I want to hang out. Do not try to be my buddy and then talk about how you don't want to hang out with me because I have drama at home. DO NOT let me think that I can trust you when you know every word I say gets twisted around into somethign different. I can't trust you, I can't fucking talk to you, I don't even want to look at you. you hurt me. Everyone has told me that you talk shit about me, but I didn't believe it, you are my best friend. Now that I know what you said, and I know you can't keep anything to yourself, fuck you. I am through with this. i gave you more than enough of myself. I trusted you, I let you in. You fucked me over. Goodbye dear friend.
I realize that there is a side of me that I wish I didn't know. Only one other time in my life have I hit someone out of anger, and that was in the 9th grade. All I keep thinking about is that i fucking hit Roxanne. Not just a little hit, I put all of my power behind my fist and punched her. I bruised her. I am sorry. I know that I can't make any of it right at all. now she is going to think i am some sort of girl abuser, which I'm not. Never have I hit anyone that I was dating, or my friends, or anyone. I dont do shit like that. I can't explain why I did it to her. I feel like such an ass. I can't even explain it to you all. I think this is the end of something that was crazy to start with. Everything always has been intense with the 2 of us.. and now I fucked up any chance of friendship. I don't blame her at all. I would hate me too. I would be afraid of me. I dont want people to be afraid of me, or think that I hit people. I don't like knowing that something happened that I feel like I couldnt control. It was an instant and I reacted. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Apologies don't mean much and I know that but still I mean this. AHH! She is really pissed off at me right now. Pretty much bitched me out on text.. like i am a wife abuser and she needs to hide from me. Told me to stay away from her, this won't be happening again etc etc. Made me sound so horrible to myself. On top of that i am already pissed at her for telling me that i said shit i KNOW i didnt say. I confronted her supposed source and we figured out why Roxanne would get the info she thinks she has on me. and its bullshit. why can't she just be straight with me?! instead of draggin other people into it or lying to me? i have fucked up a lot with her. starting with letting things go to far and then leaving her hanging. that was wrong. i shouldnt have let things happen like they did. I should really think more sometimes.
OMG, had my first math test and it was okay. I think i did ok, I know i messed up on these properties things but that's all I think. anyone know the least common multiple of 24 and 44.. just wanna see if i got the right answer. i am freezing to death in this computer lab. this doesnt bode well for me. i'm gonna freeze in poly sci probably too. should have brought a sweater damn me.
good day.. billi
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