BILLI (billinaction) wrote,

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I had the apartment to myself the most of the day which was awesome. I got to be lazy and not do homework that i needed to start on. Just got out of another boring ass GSA meeting. I am beginning to wonder why we keep this going. We got approved for the CLEF money, though. So we are definitely going to Minnesota in February which really excites me. The conference was awesome last year and I hope that we get the same joy out of it this time. It's going to be freakin cold out there but we will manage. We didn't get too much else accomplished.. talked about doing a Valentines Day dance for the school, which Student Government has been planning so that should HOPEFULLY work out.
I recieved a letter at our meeting. Well, its not a letter to me or about me. It is something that holds vast amounts of blackmail power on some people that I know. BUT I think for now I can pocket this little bit of info and keep it to myself. i would really hate to see such a loving relationship go to hell because one of the partners is unfaithful in her heart. If you want to be with someone other than your current partner then I think that you should not be with the current partner. If you love someone else and you ache for them with 'every bone and nerve' then I think you are in the wrong place sweetheart. I know how this situation can be. For a while there I was back and forth between what did my heart want and where I needed to be. Through conversations with friends and the 2 people that I was undecided about I made my decision and I know it was the better one. Deciding to dedicate myself to a relationship with Tristia was one of the hardest yet best decisions I have made in my years. I really can't fathom not having her with me now. It seems like the years with Roxanne are barely a memory sometimes. It's been so long since I loved her so much.
Speaking of that relationship, I find myself having a SCARY deja vu day. While talking with Tristia she was saying to me all of the things that Roxanne said to me. It was really weird, hard, scary. How all those feelings came back up at me. All of the hurt and feeling like I was at a dead end in that relationship. i know that tristia and i are not at a deadend.. just not seeing eye-to-eye on an issue and her reasons for not agreeing with me are the same as Roxanne's were and that is hard. To hear her say that she doesn't know where her life is going etc etc.. just is too sad for me. I really hope that somehow she can see where I am coming from and maybe we can somehow compromise. If we are talking about spending our lives together then we need to make some decisions and she isnt prepared/ready to make them. I feel sadness about that. I never thought the age difference would make a big difference but in this it does. I am not sure how I can wait not knowing when or if even she will be ready.
i am scared.

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