BILLI (billinaction) wrote,
BILLI
billinaction

  • Mood:
yay for Minnesota. lots of changes coming around. the first day sucked i was freakin exhausted and PMS'ing. life is great, yea? So, we did some stuff and went to bed early. saw mandy carter speak so that was the good thing of yesterday. today i had 2 good workshops. the first one was about why revolutions dont succeed and how we can battle that. answer: work on our nations isms.. all of them. and work together not as individuals. awesome leader in that one. then we skipped a speaker and chilled.. then lunch.. then workshop. i went to Unlearning Internalized homo/hetero/bi/trans phobia one. IT WAS THE BEST THING! so i was crying and it was sad. and i realized things about me that maybe i didnt think about. how i edit myself not jsut for safety sake but just because i am not yet all comfortable with my situation. i never thought too much about it i guess. i realize i should be out as what i am completely and pretty much fuck the rest if it doesnt work out because i know i can survive whatever happens. i've been doing it on my own for a hell of a long time as is. no one can do anything to me that hasnt been done before. towards the end we did a 'trashing our fears'. we wrote down what we feared because of our identities or sexual situations. then we were go to the center,read it and trash them, tear them up, decide to keep them... or just sit in our seats. So, it was sad and moving and just one of those times that you know you wont forget. seeing things that other people fear was really WOW To me. i felt for so many. especially the bi chicks who were afraid to be seen with their girlfriends in public and one chic who was afraid that she would never be able to let a female love her or return her love. it was really sad. and i was sad. and so i got up and said mine and cried. and there were many trans and bi people there. and i know that they have many struggles but i didnt realize how bad it was. i didnt realize how many gay people have 'straight' feelings. how many people want to dress as the other gender. how many people are afraid that the LGBT community wont accept them for various reasons.. status of their partners, gender issues, looks.. and our allies. poor them. afraid of being thought of as gay. damn, it was just something real. and i realize a lot of things that i am afraid of that i never thought about.. it was just a reaction to fear doing something or fearing somethin..
on another note. tristia has been surprisingly outgoing this weekend. totally not her usual quiet self. definitely a side i am not used to, but thats awesome. i am proud of her. she told the intire crowd to shut up so that we could hear the singer. and everyone clapped for her. it was awesome. my bold little prince. so cute. oh yea. and she told everyone that she is genderless. so that was totally interesting. i dont think she realized what a big statement that is to many people, self included. ah. good things though. these conferences always change me.. change everyone. so looks like something awesome is coming of all the shitty things we have had going on lately. and i might go to a school that offers a gay degree. i want a career in activism.. i'll go anywhere for it. this is turning out to be much better than i had thought it would. just being tired. but i am listening to Leesa play guitar and sing. she is better than i had expected! WOOHOO. going to the dance now.
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