BILLI (billinaction) wrote,

facing fears

some days i think i cant face anything and then there are times when i know i am a strong woman and i can do anything. today i feel like i could do anything i want to. I met up and talked with roxanne about general gossip and about her and jen's thingy. (not a relationship they say) so i learned a lot today by conversing with roxanne and about how she isn't very happy. I wish i could be there and be strong for her but i cant. its no longer my place to make her feel better, i have to make me feel better first. she has a hard time meeting my eyes and i think its b/c she knows i can see what she is feeling when she looks at me. I know that in a way she yearns for me still. and i feel the same way. i miss the intimacies between us.. being able to hold hands and touch her leg when i sit by her. the little things i was accostumed to doing. but im a bigger person today. i was able to talk to her, and to jen when she showed up. i felt roxanne getting antsy about her gettin out of class and she kept checking the time.. i asked did she want me to leave b4 jen showed and she was like no. so i stayed and when jen showed i said hello and asked how things were.. she looked everywhere but at me as she responded and i told them to have fun. then they walked off.. roxanne scurried them along.. away from me. and here i am writing about it now. no emotional breakdown.. no sad moments. i am a strong confident woman and i am not going to stress them anymore, as i had previously decided. I know i can face whatever may be. its not like its the first time i saw them together.. that was on my couch as roxy rubbed her head.. then on the floor of my apartment.. eh.. so i can take it. even tho i told jen i would kill her if/when i ever saw her. i think maybe she is afraid of me, as well she should be..cuntrag! lol.. i will be as nice to her as i am to everyone else, and the same for roxanne. i demand respect and i will give respect. i want everyone to be happy and if they are happy together, more power to them. its been 3 weeks (today) so you know, its time to get over shit. i said a lot of mean things to roxanne at first b/c i was hurt and i said a lot of things that were true about her and how she played me out.. im sorry for the mean things that were unwarranted but a lot of it needed to be said.. such as them not lasting long.. it wont last that long, they arent meant to be, in my opinion. but i have been known to be wrong.
"its always going to be ok" ARA
just wish i had someone in my bed at night to cuddle with..

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